


Fear of Clowns

by DanishRambling



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi, Therapy, Xeno, coulrophobia, fear of clowns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2013-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanishRambling/pseuds/DanishRambling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tavros is a 16 year old boy suffering from coulrophobia, also known as the fear of clowns. His therapist, Dr.Rose Lalonde, makes him go to a circus in town with his friend Vriska. Unfortunately, Vriska can't come that day, and Tavros has to go alone. Alone to overcome his fear. At the circus, Tavros meets a young clown who insists that he is "not as scary as he looks like."</p><p>(ON HIATUS)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_'I am so screwed.'_

 

This was the worst thing you were ever going to experience, in your whole life. You were walking slowly down the dirt path that leaded to the circus.

 

Yes, a circus.

 

Your therapist thought that it was an excellent idea, for you to overcome one of your biggest fears, by going to what you thought was hell on earth. Your therapist was a good one. Well she was the nicest one you've ever been to. Her name was dr. Rose Lalonde. She was fairly good at talking with you about your problem.

 

Oh yeah, your problem.

 

You suffered from the psychological disease known as Coulrophobia. The fear of clowns. You've had this disease since you were a little kid. When you were 5 years old or so, you had been playing on a street road, when suddenly you got ran over by a car. But it wasn't just a normal car. It was a circus car. The local circus had just packed up and wanted to continue their journey, but you were in the way. As you laid there the driver came out from the deadly vehicle. He was one of the clowns, still wearing full makeup and the costume. He tried to comfort you while he was getting an ambulance. You had your legs amputated at the hospital and had to sit in a wheelchair for 6 years. 5 years ago you got a set of prostheses and have been enjoying the feel of freedom ever since.

 

But the accident have been sitting in the back of your mind ever since, and it greatly effected your daily life. You were never going to a hospital ever since, because you were afraid that there would be hospital clowns there. Also some hospitals have clown décor. Getting a part-time job at a toy store or a costume store were also not a good idea either. A circus was a no-go in BIG capitals.

 

And now you were heading for one. How ironic.

 

But you were not going alone. Your long-time semi friend Vriska were coming with you to back you up. You were waiting for her until your cellphone got a text. You produces the vibrating thing from your pocket and flipped it open. It was from Vriska. You read the text loud inside of you head:

 

_Hey Tavros_

 

_Sorry pupa but I can't come with you to go to the circus today. I forgot that I have a date with Kanaya, you know, the girl I mentioned last week?_

 

_Also. If you go alone to overcome your fear, wouldn't it give extra points? ::::)_

_You can do it pupa!_

 

_from_

_Vriska_

 

Oh no, she was not doing this. She was ditching you right when you needed her. Wait a minute...Kanaya was one of dr. Lalonde's good friends.

_'THEY HAD PLANNED THIS IN THE BEGINNING!'_

 

Your brain was working on high speed. Part from anger for your lesbian friend, part from panic. What were you going to do?

 

_'If you go alone to overcome your fear, wouldn't it give extra points?'_

 

Vriska's message repeated itself over and over in your mind. You come to the conclusion that you must go, afraid or not.

 

You continue to walk down the dirt path. Now you see a lot of people, mostly families with children, heading the same way as you. They were staring at you, probably because of your mohawk, or your piercings. You had a quite lot of them, mostly made by yourself with a heated needle. You see the circus tent coming closer and closer, the lights blinking in a random way. The tent was made of purple, red, yellow and green colored fabrics. The ringmaster was collecting tickets. He took yours, checked it and almost yelled at you:

 

“What a lucky one we have here. You are going to sit at the front row. Enjoy the show” he told you.

 

You walked past him into the room where the stands that sold candy were. You weren't very hungry but bought a pack of gummy bears. The green ones were your favorite. You made it into the tent itself. You looked around for your seat. You finally found it. In the front row right in the middle. You sat down and waited. Finally after some time people came in and found their seats, wondering what kind of shows there would be.

 

The curtains parted and the show began. There was a girl that could breathe under water without a snorkel or anything. There was a lion tamer. She could 'talk' with them and even hug or stick her arm inside their mouths, without getting bit or clawed to death. There was also a magician with telepathic powers, who would send his thoughts to his assistant. Sometimes he sent embarrassing thoughts to his assistant, who would get into a fit and summon a lot of colorful rants about anything between heaven and hell. The whole show was pretty good...

 

...Until he came in.

 

The ringmaster shouted in his microphone that people were assured to have a good laugh when they saw the next show: “The amazingly funny clown Gamzee Makara.”

 

A somehow slumped figure entered the scene. You could feel the panic start kicking in a little. He was wearing black polka dotted overalls and a black shirt with an indigo symbol on it. He had black hair with indigo stripes in it and..oh god, was that horns?!

Curled candy corn colored horns topped the clowns head in a goat-like manner. You hope that they weren't real. His heavily pierced face covered in (really) scary face paint. It formed a creepy smile on the guy's face.

 

His mission on the stage was simply to make people laugh. He was doing a lot of goofy things like his life depended on it. Like falling over his long legs or backfiring a joke on himself, or even making a bad ventriloquist number. He tried to drink a glass of water while talking with the puppet at the same time. He ended up choking on the water and the audience began to laugh hysterically. Everyone except You.

 

You were clenching the chair's sides, your neatly cut nails digging into the old fabric. You were panicking more and more, sitting on the front row didn't make it better either. The clown then called the ringmaster over, whispering something in his ear. The ringmaster then brought his microphone to his lips and shouted:

 

“THE CLOWN GAMZEE WANTS ONE FROM THE AUDIENCE TO ASSIST HIM IN HIS NEXT NUMBER” the ringmaster announced.

 

You were already embarrassed, even if you didn't know who were going to be chosen yet. The clown moved forward. Closer and closer to the edge of the stage. Closer and closer to you. You clenched the chair harder and harder. Sweat was covering your hands. You swear you nearly fainted when he talked to you:

 

“What about you motherfucker?”

 

You didn't know what happened next, but you were suddenly on stage holding a green tinted pie. The clown was standing opposite you and began to juggle with a lot of juggling clubs.

There was at least ten there, you thought. People were staring and he juggled faster and faster. Actually people were staring at you and the pie. They probably wanted you to throw it at him. You liked the thought. This thing, that looked at you so innocently with that smug grin on his face. This thing, that had nearly killed you with a car. This thing, that had taken your legs and forced you to live a shitty life being constantly afraid. This thing, you hated so FUCKING MUCH.

 

You threw the pie. It smacked him bullseye in the face. The pie's filling must have been very heavy, because he fell backwards, all the clubs landing on the floor with loud 'thuds'. Your arm was also aching now. The audience practically screamed at the top of their lungs with laughter. You began to shake, the last minutes coming back to your head.

 

You couldn't take this.

 

You practically screamed when you ran out of the tent, the pack of gummy bears in your left hand. You ran until you ended up on a bench not long from the tent. There were no people there so you curled up into a tiny ball and sobbed loudly, whispering soft gibberish as you laid there pathetically. What seemed like hours passed but you still felt scared. You were still shaking violently. You wanted to go home, stay inside your apartment and never go out for the rest of your life, but you couldn't move at all.

 

You heard footsteps and you froze. They were coming towards you.

 

“Hey motherfucker. Are you kind of okay?” a voice asked.

 

You could easy recognize it. It was the clown from the circus. His voice was sluggish, like he was doing drugs. Hell he was probably semi sober now. You didn't think about that for too long. You scooted away from him, giving him a loud whimper while doing so, still shaking.

 

“I know what can cheer up a little cutie like you up.” He said.

 

The clown scuffed over to his bag, pulling a pair of cards out.

 

“You want to see a magic trick?” He asked.

 

No answer.

 

He didn't look surprised at all. He sat down beside you, ruffling a hand through his long hair. He probably didn't brush it at all, because his hand got stuck in it, and he painfully pulled it out, cursing silently.

 

You didn't want this monster near you anymore. You wanted him to go away, making him stop being nice and all.

 

“go away.”

 

“What? Sorry little dude. I didn't hear what'cha said.”

 

He poked you softly with his finger. That was the last drop:

 

“LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FREAK, MONSTER, WHATEVER YOU ARE.”

 

You panicked more. You began screaming, getting a seizure. You could see it again. The car coming towards you. Being hurled through the air. Blood trickling down you face, slurring your vision. That DEMON of a clown with that face, laughing monstrously at you. At your pain. The visions was getting stronger...until.

 

A soft pair of lips met your own. The clown was holding you tightly, face pressed down onto yours. You felt a strange feeling stirring in your stomach. He smelt like something sweet, maybe it was marijuana. Yes you were sure. Your brother once forced you to try it at a party. The only thing you want to say about it is 'never more'. You relaxed and kind of leaned in, forgetting everything until he pulled back.

 

“If you didn't hear before, the name's Gamzee” he said.

 

Now you notice that he has lilac eyes. The pupil was almost shaped like a cats, which was making him kind of otherworldly looking. They almost glowed in the light when he spoke to you.

 

You come back to your senses. You straighten up. You flee the scene, leaving Gamzee for himself.

 

Damn, you were straight. Your ex-girlfriends was enough proof. You had never kissed a guy before. You were slightly disgusted by the thought.

 

 _'I am not gay!'_ you keep telling yourself over and over inside of your head.

 

But you can't forget how attractive he actually was. His face almost clean of makeup from the pie trick you made earlier. He had more piercings than you, but it looked good on him. His shadow like hair bouncing around his eyes, oh those eyes.

 

You couldn't believe yourself.

 

You had met a clown that really wasn't scary at all.

 

A deep red blush cover your cheeks, as you run faster.

 

…

 

Gamzee was sitting on the bench looking after the boy. He had forgot something. You pick it up. It was a pack of gummy bears. You open it up and pick up a green one. You look at it before showing it into your mouth, chewing softly. The green ones were your favorite...


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the day went splendid. You had 2 shows after the meeting with the boy with the mohawk. You performed 2 more times, helped with closing the circus for the day, cleaned up, feed the animals, ate dinner and went to bed. You couldn't stop thinking about the boy. He was smaller than you, but probably the same age. He had some piercings. You especially remember the bull-ring he had in his nose. How could a cute motherfucker like him, be so awesome?

He didn't look like the kind to stand up for himself. He kinda looked like a geek, and then he had piercings. Kinda ironic.

 

You laid down in your bed. You couldn't stop thinking about the boy you met today. You began thinking about his seizure. His screams and pleas for you to stop annoying him. His screams became louder in your head.

 

“LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FREAK, MONSTER, WHATEVER YOU ARE.”

 

It became louder. It almost felt like he was right beside you, screaming his heart out.

 

“MONSTER!”

 

“FREAK!”

 

It sounded familiar. Almost like when...

Don't you dare think about it. You swore never to think about that accident ever again. You couldn't forgive yourself because of that. Thinking about it often gave you many sleepless nights. This one was hopefully not going to join the club...hehe club. Bad joke.

 

Your dreams were filled with funny miracles and little scared boys.

 

 

You woke up the next day with a very tired body. Even though you had been sleeping for 7 hours, you were still dead-tired. Heck, you even had some twisted dreams. There were no shows today but only some small errands you and the others had to do. You decided to get these over as soon as possible. Feferi and you had to clean her giant tank, because it was getting quite dirty. The little sis Nepeta needed help with feeding her scary lions. You would never go near those things, so Nep told you to remove some of the old animal bones in their cages, while nepeta was feeding them OUTSIDE the cage. You brainstormed with Sollux and Karkat in hope of finding new ideas for their shows. Sollux came up with some totally miraculous ideas, but Karkat always gave some kind of colorful (and LOUD) rants, about how perverted or incredibly stupid they were. Now the only errand there was back, was for you to make some small performances on the street and hand out flyers.

 

The ringmaster gave you all the printed flyers, which you stuffed down on the bag where you kept all your juggling clubs, tarot cards, juggling balls, some voodoo stuff and faygo. Yes, faygo. You couldn't be anywhere without those miraculous things (your favorite flavor was grape).

 

You walk out of the circus area and up the dirt path that leads to the centrum of the city. Very slowly more and more houses and apartment complexes appear, and at some point you end up beside a fountain in a plaza surrounded by some small apartments and shops. A good place to start you think. Before you start packing out you notice people staring at you. Okay. A young man with polka-dotted overalls, wild hair, creepy make-up and with a lot of facial piercings was probably not normal in such a small town. You realize that you don't give a shit at all. You had always looked like this. These fuckers was gonna get some entertainment that would surely get them to the circus.

 

You take out all your things, and start doing some small tricks at first. Like juggling the clubs at a time and stuff like that. People slowly began to crowd together. You gave the clubs a pause and gave the audience some wicked tarot card tricks. Now, a lot of children had come to sit and make a half-circle around you, staring with wide eyes when you made you tricks with practiced skill. You even heard some of them talking about your performance in the circus. Everything was going good. Now to the grande finale. You began juggling with all your juggling clubs, 12 in total, and threw up the flyers at the same time, creating a very beautiful finale. People clapped and you gave them a very deep bow.

 

“Thank you, thank you! In case you want to see more, there's a circus in town! Everything is written on the flyers!” you yelled out to them.

 

People dismissed and you began to pack your things for the second time today. You feel someone watching you. You shake the feeling off, but suddenly you feel I little tap on your shoulder. You almost jump 1 meter up in the air of pure shock. You turn around, semi-glaring at the tip-tapper. You see a neatly dressed young woman looking down at you. She was wearing a white t-shirt and a matching long skirt. On the blouse was one of those little cute squid things you had seen some time. Except this one was glaring at you in a creepy manner. She was wearing a little name-tag with the text 'Dr. Lalonde' written on it. You look her in the face. Her eyes seemed to read your mind in the most professional manner you had ever seen. You didn't even know her, but you already knew that she knew what she was doing. She gave you a little smile before breaking the silence:

"Hello mister. Might you be the overly fun purposing clown from the public entertaining environment down the dirt path?" she asks.

You don't understand those complicated word she's saying, so you just reply with a nod: "Sure thing I am little chica. Gamzee motherfucking Makara's the name." You begin to stand up, brushing the dirt away from you overalls.

"May I start a highly interesting conversation with you? It's about my coulrophobic patient..."


	3. Chapter 3

**A few minutes before Gamzee's grande finale.**

 

 

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! EVEN MAKING MY FRIEND BETRAY ME LIKE THAT?!”

 

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you are really angry. After the incident yesterday you had spent the whole evening crying in your apartment, screaming to no one, about your life being a big shithole. The next morning you found yourself on the floor with a big snack bowl beside you. Good god you had done it again. When you get these panic attacks, you tend to eat a lot of garbage and pass out. The next day you almost can't remember a thing. Then you had to get your anger out on something. Why not do it on your therapist? She's used to that stuff anyway. Now you were sitting in a sofa beside her and yelling everything out. The neighbors would certainly hear you, but you didn't give a shit right now.

 

“Relax now Tavros. The reason we 'abandoned' you, was to exceptionally accelerate you healing process.” Rose responded with her normally calm tone. “We were also taking a big risk. There was a big chance that you might get so mentally exhausted, that we would have to call an ambulance.”

 

“Also, Kanaya have suffered from a big depression, so a date with your friend Vriska really lifted her mood. Two birds with one stone.”

 

You were seriously beginning to doubt her ability to help others.

 

“YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT! VRISKA WASN'T THERE. NOBODY WAS THERE TO SUPPORT ME AT ALL. I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO SCARED IF I HADN'T MET THAT...C-”

 

“A clown you say?”

 

Oh, bitch was being sarcastic.

 

She stopped you from rambling by lifting her slender finger up before you. She rocked it from side to side like a kindergarden teacher, clearly indicating that she was the one in charge here. You sat down with a pout on your face, letting her say whatever she was going to say.

 

“Now, now Tavros. Meeting a clown is only the mere start. You will have a lot more meeting with ones in the future. Now just describe how this clown looked like.”

 

You turn your head a little, looking at her warningly. She knew that you weren't comfortable with this situation. You bit your lip a little before opening your mouth. You could feel your stuttering coming up.

 

“H-h-he was very tall and frightening.” You end it there. Dr. Lalonde turns her head to look over at you. _Go on, go on_ she was probably thinking. You sigh. You can't argue with her.

 

“He w-was wearing a pair of overalls and a t-shirt with a weird symbol on it. H-he was also wearing _very_ c-c-creepy face paint and had a lot of piercings. He also had very big and curly black hair.”

 

Dr. Lalonde laughed a little, when you formed an invisible tuft of hair on you head, with your hands. She scribbled down the information on her little notepad.

 

“Any more things about him that I should know of?”

 

“Yeah! He had horns!”

 

“Horns?”

 

“Yes! They were shaped like this and was colored like candy corn!” You drew the shape of them in the air, making sure they were in the same size too.

 

“That's...pretty unusual for a clown.” She was looking kind of worried. Maybe she was thinking that you were making things up.

 

“He also had pupils shaped like a cat's!” You were sounding pretty desperate now. Your nails would make holes in the armchair's sides, with the power you were using now. Lalonde glared.

 

“Tavros. Please don't destroy my armchairs. They were pretty expensive.” She says in her cold tone.

 

You unclench your fists feeling a little embarrassed. Lalonde continued to scribble on her notepad before saying:

 

“Now Tavros. I think that we should move on to the next step.” You groan loudly. _Not this again!_

 

“Maybe we could try this new treatment I dusted u...”

 

“I CAN'T TAKE ANY OF YOUR SHIT ANYMORE!” You were furious. “SERIOUSLY. HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN IN TREATMENT? OVER 5 FUCKING YEARS AND YOU HAVEN'T CURED ME YET!”

 

“Tavros. You must know by now, that mental healing takes a long time...”

 

“OH DON'T YOU TEACH ME! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR! WITH PARANOIA SO YOU CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT SO YOU END UP WITH HAVING INSOMNIA! I BET THAT YOU ONLY THINK OF THE MONEY RATHER THAN HELPING PEOPLE!

 

You walked over to the door, already wearing your trench coat. You open the door, before yelling:

 

“YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!”

 

You close the door angrily and run out on the street. You were practically crying now. Small tears were gliding down your cheeks. In the center of the small plaza, near the fountain, were a lot of people. They were talking loudly and cheering. They were probably watching some kind of street show. You loved those, but right now you didn't want to see.

 

You ran all the way home. You fumbled with the keys to your apartment until you finally could get in. You hastily opened your bedroom door and crawled under the covers, forming a little cocoon. You sopped for a good half hour before crawling into the living room to watch some TV. You also went out into the kitchen to get yourself a pack of gummy bears and a cup of hot chocolate, to calm your nerves. You watched peter pan while sorting out the gummy bears and only eating the green ones, while you sipped at your hot chocolate. These things always worked when you were in a foul mood, but it didn't work as good as planned. After the movie you were still sopping until you began to cry hysterically again. You just sat there pathetically, while pouring your feelings out. You fell asleep on the couch.

 

_**dream sequence** _

 

_You were on a playground. It was just a normal playground. With swings, a sandbox, a slide and a little football field. You were playing with a big red ball near a wall, throwing it against the wall and catching it again when it bounced back to you. No one was there but you. Somehow you feel that you have been here before. Because your thought was in another place, you missed the ball when it bounced towards you. It continued to hop until it ended up on the road just beside the playground. You run over to the edge of the road and look both left and right. No cars in sight. You slowly walk towards the red ball. Just before you touch it, you hear the most terrifying noise in your life._

 

“ _HONK honk HONK honk”_

 

_You turn around to face the car, but you're too late. You fly through the air. Everything seem to go in slow motion. You turn sideways in the air, and land harshly on the ground. You feel a loud crack inside your thighs. The inside of your head hurts like hell and your forehead stings a lot. You can feel the blood slowly going down your face. The car has now stopped and the door opens. Out comes a humbled figure. If you could move you would crawl away and shiver. The figure was a clown. He was wearing overalls and had black hair with creepy makeup and..._

 

_...Horns._

 

_He runs over to you, but instead of calling an ambulance or making sure you're not completely dead, he just lean over you, his arms holding yours down. He stares at you with cold indigo eyes with the pupils of a cat._

 

“ _WhY iS a MoThErFuCkEr So ScArEd?” His mouth is full of sharp teeth, just like broken glass pieces. His breath smells like something extremely sweet, and you almost want to puke._

_He leans down closer to your face, his grin widening to an inhuman width._

 

“ _BeTtEr TuRn ThAt FrOwN uPsIdE dOwN.”_

 

_He presses his mouth to yours. He begins to draw little circles on your body with his delicate fingers. You couldn't move before, but you can now and can't control it. Your body begin to arch a little into his. Your mouth responds his kisses by pressing your tongue into his mouth._

_You don't want to touch him, nor be near him, so why are you reacting this way?_

_You tongue feel around and touch his fangs. His right hand slides under your shirt, while his other slides down your stomach. Down to..._

 

 

And you wake up.

 


	4. Chapter 4

You were shaking the hole way down to your therapist. After _**that**_ dream, you had thought about canceling your session today, but you thought that you owed Rose an apologize for the fit you had. Ro...Dr. Lalonde was of course a professional. She's used to people with sensitive minds, but you can't help but feel a little concerned. You admit you've grown quite fond of her over the years, of course not in the I-love-you kind of way. She's your friend and you trust her. She's only trying to help you and she deserves an apologize. Damn you feel like an ass right now. You get to the little centre with the fountain. You are kind of surprised by the silence. There's always people hanging around here or a street performer or two, but there's almost no one. You find it kind of creepy and hurry inside the building, before your goosebumps get any worse. You peek into the room where you and Dr. Lalonde always had your comfortable conversations. She's sitting by her desk and talking in her phone, and by hearing the creak of the door, she looks over at you and motions you too sit in an armchair. She happily continues her conversation:

 

“Oh yes, yes. He just came in. He will be absolutely _**thrilled**_ to meet you. No need to hurry that much, just be here on time that's all. Goodbye.”

 

She closes her clap-mobile and turns to look at you. She looks like an excited child. You scratch the back of your head.

 

“May I ask...u-uh who's coming?” You ask.

 

“A person that might help you even more with your healing process. He's an expert at his job.” She says. Her eyes are glimmering even more as she speaks. “He has been in his profession for years.” Her tone seems mischievous, but you shake it off. “He should be here in 1-5 minutes or so.”

 

You lean back in your armchair. While you're waiting, you let your mind drift. You look around the room. Nothing interesting as usual. There's a bookcase filled with lots of psychology books. There's her diploma and prices on the walls. A small glass figurine from an old friend of hears. You think her name was Jade or something. Your eyes wander to her desk. There's a lamp, a computer, some paperwork and...what's that. You see a photo. A girl that looks a lot like Rose is standing with a martini glass and is looking quite wasted. Her hair is wild and her blouse is hanging by her shoulder. Beside her stands a little girl. She's wearing a little pink dress and a pointy party hat is on her head. She looks really sad, little tears in the corner of her eyes.

 

Rose catch you staring at the picture, and she turns it around, so can't see it anymore.

 

“Who's on the picture?” you ask.

 

“It's...no one.” Rose answers quietly with a sad expression on her face. She looks like she's re-watching a painful memory. You want to say sorry, but you are interrupted by a loud knock on the door. Rose's face lights up.

 

“Come in” She yells.

 

The door opens.

 

You can hear his footsteps. It sounds like he's dragging his feet over the floor. He looks at you. His lilac eyes are literally glowing and his cat-like pupil get's thinner and thinner. He slides a hand through his hair, past the goat horns, with a big smile on his face so you can see the sharp predator fangs he has.

 

“Hey! It's the cute mohawk motherfucker from the circus!” he exclaims.

 

_**Holy shit it's him** _

 

He waves at you. You can only stare at him while making gagging noises. Lalonde only looks between you guys, clearly taking note on your reaction. The clown takes on a concerned expression.

 

“Whoa. I knew you were a little fucking scared at first, but didn't up all and knew you had a disease. Sorry about that man.” He sounds like a little child that knew he had done a grave mistake.

 

You give him a stern look. You place your feet on the ground and push yourself backwards as much as you can, getting 1 more meter away from him. He slowly sinks his hand and make it hang restlessly by his side. You notice he's wearing gloves. Rose gives him a questioning look.

 

“Don't worry sis, I'm used to it.” he replies with that never ending smug grin. You could see his fangs poke at his lower lip. You whimper as the little pathetic weakling you are. You begin to sweat, the insides of your hands getting slightly wet. You look over at Rose with panicked eyes, but she just ignores you and makes the monster sit in the armchair opposite yours. He doesn't take his cloves off. It's only autumn and not _that_ cold outside nor inside. Lalonde readies her notepad.

 

“Could you please tell me your name and occupation?” She asks. She reeeeaaaalllly sounds like the doctor she is.

 

“Gamzee motherfucking Makara. Works full-time as a clown at the bitchtits dark carnival.” He says while pointing at his chest with his thump, clearly proud of his job.

 

Rose scribbles on her notepad.

 

“Okay, next question. Why did you choose to become a clown?”

Seriously. Was it you or _that,_ that was having a session or what?

 

“Man, I've always wanted to be a clown. Those chill guys make people laugh and have fun. Make them all up and forget their hard lives for a brief minute. Makes the world a better place if you ask me chica.” You felt the rage flow through your body. How dare he...

 

“A better place my ass!”

 

You actually saying something so suddenly made him jump a little. He looked kind of startled, like when you hear a really loud sound and your ears hurt and whatnot. How could that guy even hear what you were saying. The wild bush of hair was hiding his ears. Heck, there may even be stuff stuck in there.

 

“Tavros!”

 

You hmph'ed Rose and glared the other way. You could still feel the slight feeling of panic, and your legs were shaking a little, like when you feel nauseous. Rose turned to look at the freak again.

 

“Would ever hurt anyone on purpose?” She glanced over at you.

 

“Whoa chica, what kind of bitchtits question is that? Well I guess not, at least not on purpose.” He sounded like he was in pain. He looked down at his open hands, like a murderer does when there's blood on them.

 

“You are lying, you monster.” you say as calmly as you can. You can feel that your eyes are full of hatred.

 

“You act all innocent and I don't know what, but you are all just monsters, who laugh at other peoples demise! You say louder.

“You guys even tried to kill me with a car on a road! You freaks don't deserve to exist!”

 

Now the clown looks really offended.

 

“Maybe you should had looked before you motherfucking went over, you blind cripple!” It takes him a moment to realize what he just said. He clasps a hand over his mouth and makes a surprised noise. You stand up quickly, tears prickling your eyes.

 

“Shit bro. I didn't mean to...”

 

“FUCK YOU!”

 

You take your coat and stomp out of the door. Lalonde just sits there. You are surprised that she didn't do anything, during your little strife.

 

You didn't run home, you just walked. People was making sure they wasn't in your way. You understood them. You felt like you could tear someone apart and use their intestines as christmas decorations. You are surprised the door to your apartment haven't turned into wood sticks yet, from all the times you have slammed it. You don't want to pass out from a sugar overdose, so you decide to have some early dinner. You want to make it from scratch this time. Your cooking skills aren't that great and you eat a lot of microwave meals from day to day. Also, people say that meals made by yourself are healthier. You look for a bag of rice in the kitchen. Check. 

 

Oil. Check

Curry. Check

Salt and pepper. Check

Carrots. Check.

Clean frying pan...

 

...

 

You have no clean frying pan.

 

You franticly search for a frying pan, under all the dirty dishes. You find one and quickly wash it. 

Now let's make some fried rice with curry.

You pour some oil on the pan and turn on the heat. You pour the rice on the pan. You slice the carrots and adds some salt and pepper to the rice. You also add some curry so the rice turns all yellow. You fry the carrots together with the rice and stir.

It's done.

 

You are very proud of yourself. Even your Papa would be proud, even though Rufioh always was the best at cooking, and every time you've tried, you'd always messed up and Papa would scold you. Man, you should take a picture and show it to him at the next get-together. You decide not to. Rufioh would just think, that you'd got yourself a girlfriend, and then proceed to make fun of you for the rest of the evening. You take a glass and pour up some cola. You take your dinner into the living room, and place your ass on the couch. You turn on the tv, so you can have some entertainment while you eat. You had turned it on just in time to see the news. You see the annoying female reporter, with a thick layer of makeup on. You've always hated her.

 

“The famous Dark Carnival Circus had finally arrived at the town, but unfortunately they are going to leave today. The Dark Carnival Circus only stays in every town for a week, which isn't a long time if you ask me.” The reporter gave the camera a big chalky, white smile. “We've been lucky to have two of the performers come and talk with us this evening.”

 

The camera fixes to two boys around your age. It's the telepathic magician and his crabby assistant from the circus. You can't help but snicker at the assistant's angry expression.

 

“So Sollux and Karkat. The circus is most known for it's magic and clown numbers. How do you guys come up with those funny ideas?” Sollux's face is lit up with pride.

 

“You thee mam, the only 'trickth' we uthe to make our performantheth, are creating a brainmap”

The Reporter looked quite confused. Before she could ask, Sollux had already answered.

 

“A mindmap ith, when you do a brainthtorm and write all the ideath down. That'th how we uthually get the ideath for the magic and clown shows. However, our clown jutht left uth today.”

 

The reporter looked dramatically sad.

 

“W-was it an accident?” That just made Sollux confused. The midget finally decided to open his mouth, but it wasn't something peaceful for the ear you must say.

 

“HE'S NOT DEAD.” he yells at the woman. “THE ASSHOLE JUST LEFT US. HE SAID HE NEEDED A PAUSE. THE ASSCRACK WILL COME BACK.” Both Sollux and the reporter looked shocked.

 

“KK. What did I thay about yelling at the nithe lady...”

 

“SHUT IT COCKSUCKER. I SAY WHAT I WANT TO.”

 

They then ended up almost fighting on live tv.

 

You had just finished your meal, when you heard dragging footsteps going up the stairs. The thing was wheezing when it reached the top. You could imagine the hand turn into a fist and...

 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

 

“Honk. Is a motherfucker home?


	5. Chapter 5

No, no. it couldn't be him. Just not him. Everything but...Shit.

 

When you had heard his voice, you had literally slammed your thin frame against the wall, balancing your dinner plate elegantly with one hand. You suddenly began to shake wildly, causing the plate to fall. It doesn't break though, thanks to the soft carpet on the floor.

 

“Hey man, come on. I know you are in there.” he calls again. You scowl under your breath. You can hear him scrape his fingernails down the old wood of your door.

 

“Hey, please man, _please_.”

 

Those 'pleases' sounded really sad, especially the last one. The center inside your brain controlling your emotions, force you to feel some kind of guilt for a second. You try to make them disappear, but to no avail. You get an almost insane idea. What if you let him in?

Your brain says “Holy shit don't let that monster in! He will kill you the instant you turn your back to him, oh my god you are insane please help.” Your heart, on the other hand, says “Oh look at that little baby he is so miserable. Let him in so you can snuggle him up with cute blankets and cocoa and I don't know what.”

 

You slowly 'crawl' closer to the door. You can still feel his presence out there. You place your hands on the door as you look through the little spy hole. You have to stand on your toes, to be able to look through that thing. Wow, he does look kinda down. He's leaning against the outer doorframe. His hands are on the opposite arms, like he's hugging himself. You place the heels of your feet on the carpet again. You can't decide whether to let him in or...talk to him. Your mouth opens, slowly biting the inside of your cheek.

 

“Uh, uhm, are y-you okay?” you let the word flow gently over your tongue and out of your mouth, keeping the volume down, just like Rose did when she talked to you.

 

“Man, have you ever tried getting yelled at by a guy you really care for, so you end up feeling all sad afterwards?” he says slowly.

 

You haven't tried getting yelled at particularly, but you remember the little fit you had not long ago. You yelled at poor Rose because you are such an egoistic fool. She has her own problems, but you were too busy with your own feelings, to even take care. You are an ass. You continue to mentally scold yourself, until you hear a low sniffle, maybe a sob, from the other side of the door.

 

“Now I feel like a motherfucking idiot. He probably all up and hates me now!” His voice raised in volume for a moment now. “You know, the reason I left the circus was, because Lalonde-sis asked me to. I wanted to help a fellow lonely bro out man.”

You could swear your eyes had grown to plate size now. He abandoned his job, the thing he does for a living and his friends in order to help you. Why is he doing this? He knows that you are scared of him. He even saw you freak out to the maximum. He just didn't care, didn't he?

 

“Come in.”

 

The clowns eyes was blinking at you when you opened the door. It was dark in the hallway, and you could actually see his eyes glowing, his cat pupils big from the blackness. You notice that he has dark yellow scleras. You do not say anything. He gives you an honest smile. “Thanks dude.”

 

You had placed the clown on the couch. He was paying no attention to the television. Instead his head was turning every five second, to look at the various things in your apartment. You noticed, that he stared at shiny and colorful things the most. You can hear him whispering a silent 'miracles'.

“What a totally, motherfucking, awesome hive you got yourself here.” he says.

 

“I'm not a bee, Mister Clo...” You stop yourself mid sentence. You don't even know what to call him anymore. You hope he didn't hear the last part. He himself, also looks like he didn't understand a thing he said.

“Motherfucking sorry bro.” He apologize. “Sometimes, these words just appear in my mind, and I end all up and saying them by mistake. It's almost like I say it on motherfucking instinct or something.” he says. “And you can just call me Gamz, bro.” Oh yeah, his name was Gamzee. You hate that you forgot.

 

You loom over at him again, slowly observing him, like he's some kind of animal that you are deeply fascinated by. Oh shit, is he crying again? Oh, it's just his face paint running. You finally see how drenched his clothes are, and the wet spots on your sofa and carpet. Has it been raining? You didn't even notice.

“Uhm, would you like to go to the bathroom, and wash off that stuff on your face?”

He looks up at you, like he doesn't know what you are talking about. He then brings a hand, with a glove on, to his face. He then proceed to look at his clothes. He didn't even know, that he was wet!

 

“You know what bro? That is a totally bitchtits idea.” He gives you a big smile while saying so.

 

The literally drags his feet all the way to the bathroom. You notice that he has a big dark purple gym bag with him. He drags the bag in time with his feet, and he is now in the bathroom. How did he even know where the bathroom was? Doesn't matter now. You just stand there and listen to every movement he makes. You can hear him place the (heavy) bag on the floor tiles. You can hear him unzip it. You can hear him turn on the water, and him splashing the water in his face. Then you hear a sound you can't figure out what means, but you can hear him mumble some curses. He then comes out while giving you a large smile. You give him a quick smile before you ask him something.

 

“Do you want something to eat?” You do have some leftovers from your little fried rice dinner from earlier.

Before he can answer, his stomach makes a loud growling noise.

 

“I take that as a yes.”

 

You place some rice from the pan to a plate, and place it in the microwave oven. You were waiting for the screechy ding sound, and when it finally came, you took the plate straight away. Hot things didn't hurt you very much. He takes the plate with a 'thanks', but he almost drops it on the table, because the plate was, obviously, very hot. You give him a fork, so he doesn't have to eat with his hands. He scoops some rice and a carrot slice into his mouth. He makes a little moan before _inhaling_ the rest.

 

“Holy shit man, This is some miraculous, wicked shit you got here.”

 

“Eh, it's just some rice and carrots and rice and- whoa, whoa, whoa.”

 

He was licking the plate. Licking the fucking plate clean, with his tongue. The weirdness has just begun. His tongue is fucking purple, and slick like a glossy snake tail or a tentacle. You are officially creeped out. You continue to stare at him in horror, and he ends up looking at you _while_ licking the plate, so he looks like some funny cartoon character. He slowly removes his tongue from the plate and sneaks it inside his mouth.

 

“Heh, sorry about that man. We don't get food this delicious at the circus.” He looks kind of embarrassed.

 

“But, it's only rice and I only used one spice besides salt and pepper.”

 

“I doesn't matter what you used to make the food, but how you make it.” He says and shrugs. “Actually I don't know about that. I don't cook.”

 

“Uhm. The only reason I know how to cook is, because I don't have a mother and my father and brother seriously _sucks_ at cooking. I don't want to get another food poisoning or a tummy ache from eating burned food again.” You make a noise like you just made the best joke in the world. He face wears a pained expression. He looks down to his plate again.

 

“Lucky you. I didn't grow up with parents at all.”

 

You feel like a knife just got stuck in your heart, maybe twisting around a little. Sometimes, while you was in your wheelchair, you could just cry for hours, screaming about you having the shittiest life in the world and that nothing could be worse. Here sat a boy about your age, who grew up with no parents in a circus, entirely alone. Holy shit, you shouldn't have complained that much. He had a hard life, and you just screamed at him every time you guys met.

 

“Sorry”

 

“Why are you all up and saying sorry dude?”

 

“I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, and screaming at you all the time. You have a hard time with growing up with no parents, and you have just left your only home, and your friend is angry with and-” You are interrupted by Gamzee's index finger on your mouth, with him shooshing you.

 

“No need to care for me bro. Now I live with you, and there's no more to it. Now that we are talking about living at your place. Where am I supposed to get my z's on?”

You think that he's talking about sleeping. He can't sleep on the floor, and your bedroom is a big no-go.”

 

“You can sleep on the couch for now.”

 

“Okay my miraculous fella, what should we do know?” he asks.

 

“We could watch a movie” You just blurt out. Gamzee just nods, so you go over to your shelf filled with movies.

 

“Please no romance movies friend. My buddy forced me to watch all his and there are at least 50 of those.”

You giggle a little.

 

You look through all your movies, none of them catching your interest, until you see that one. You pull it out of the shelf and inspect it with a big childish smile on your face. Peter pan. You watched that movie so many times as a little kid. You even had the book. Sometimes you would read the book or watch the movie, if you just wanted to feel like a child again. If you wanted to just get away from everything. You suddenly feel panicked. He's right behind you. His mouth opens, and you can feel his hot breath on your neck. You can almost see his sharp fangs ready to bite the skin, tear it to shreds, and to drink your blood like a fucking vampire.

 

“What you got there motherfucker?”

 

“Uhhh, nothing, nothing at all.” he quickly grips your arm, swing you around and grabs your movie from behind your back.

 

“Ah, Peter motherfucking pan. Fucking awesome guy. How did you know I like these kind of movies. Full of miracles and shit.”

You felt utterly shy around others when you talk about your cartoons and stuff. You didn't like being called childish and a baby. Vriska used to bully before you two became friends. She still kinda annoys you sometimes, but she's just like that.

 

“Can we watch it then?” You asked with a little squeal.

 

“Why not? Cool with me.” He says with a shrug again.

 

You both sit on the sofa, while the movie is starting. You can't think of anything else while watching, a little wave of nostalgia hitting you. You even forget Gamzee sitting right beside you. Towards the end of the movie, you glance over at Gamzee. He's looking very drowsy, while his head is leaning at the armrest. After the movie you take a warm blanket and place it over him. While he cuddles himself into the blanket, you accidentally brush your hand against one of his horns. He didn't even take them off. Wow they are really realistic. You thought that he was wearing a headband, but he has obviously glued them to his scalp. His hair was maybe just hiding the glue lines. What were they even made of? They were too hard to be made of plastic and they were too smooth to be made of clay. Maybe they were made of real bone?

You rubbed you thump on the middle of one and you could feel Gamzee squirming a little. You moved you thump closer to the base and then you heard it.

 

“Ah-ah, Taaavbrooo.” Gamzee moaned loudly.

 

The sound went straight to your crotch. You had never felt _horny_ before, but you couldn't avoid the slight feeling of excitement deep inside of you. What if you touched on- no bad Tavros. No disgusting thoughts now.

You go straight to the bathroom, the bad thoughts making you want to pee like a madman. You wash your hands when you are done. While you were drying you hands, you saw something by the sink. You pick it up. It's an armband. There are a lot of little signs on it. You have never seen a language like this before. You lay the armband on the sink again and go to bed.

 

You are now laying in your bed. You can feel something smooth brush your lips softly before you fall asleep.

 

“ _Sleep well Tavbro. Honk.”_

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

You are in a dark place. A very dark place. Nothing scary or unsettling. Just dark and filled with nothing. You try to yell but your voice aren't anything above a whisper. You decide to walk around a little but you feel like you aren't moving, or getting anywhere at all. After an eternity or maybe even five minutes, you hear a faint sob. Like a child, but not a human. Like a little scared animal baby. The heart aching sound echoes around and you can't figure out where it comes from, so you continue forward. You see a little glow in the distance. You run over to it. Is it a sausage? A purple sausage? It certainly looks like one. No, it has legs. Little claw-like legs that are curled inwards on it's body. A black nest of hair that rest on one end. A blackness that mingles with the background, and you end up feeling more empty. You lower yourself, stretching your arms in order to reach the little creature. It's jumps a little in surprise, but begins to sob heavily again. You turn it around in your grasp. It finally decides to look at you. It has indigo eyes. Beautiful little gems on it's face that blinks at you curiously while still glistening from the tears. You notice something around it's neck. It's an armband, made from a leathery material, that runs smoothly over your fingers. There's written some letters on it in a weird language. You didn't understand them before, but now they make sense.

“Gamzee Makara” it reads.

The little creature then begins to cry again. A sound so hollow it pierces your soul. It glows brighter. The creature changes. It's growing, morphing into something else. It grows legs and arms. They get longer and turn into grey, slender body parts. The torso grows wider and thins out in the waist, the ribs poking out. The little claws that used to be on the middle turns into little scars on either side of the chest. Some small candy corn horns grow longer and twirls around themselves a little. The small face morphs and turns into the face of a handsome young adult. The little indigo gems wides and is drowning in a sea of yellow. The dark cat pupils becoming smaller and smaller slits, giving the impression of looking a hungry reptile in the eye. The form still shakes in your hold. He is stark naked and trembling like a pathetic dog. Purple tears are making their way down his high cheekbones, down his cheeks and sliding along his jaw. His eyes focus on you as he speaks:

“Why did papa leave me? Why am I different? Why am I so alone?”

You can't answer him. It feels like your mouth is sewn shut.

“Why do I feel red for you?”

He places his mouth softly to yours. He kisses you gently, but you can feel his jaw clenching hard. You slowly begin to kiss him back. You can hear a scream in the background. It becomes louder and louder. Now it's inside your head fucking with your mind and emotions. He's screaming. You are screaming. Pleasure and pain mixed in a fucked up cocktail and making your body ache and burn like it's been set on fire. It's hell. You've ended up in hell. You want to wake up. Wake up. Wake up...

 

You open your eyes with enough force to almost rip them of your face. You sit up while trying to control your rapid breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Too fast, too fast. Okay, now it's slow.

You wonder where the scream came from. It was probably just your fucked up nightmare playing with you. That's what you are thinking until you hear a panicked rambling from the bathroom. Is there a criminal in your apartment? Shit, it's worse.  
It's that clown. You let him into your apartment yesterday. What the hell were you thinking?! Maybe you were too tired for your brain to register any danger. Wait, didn't he say something about living at your place? Rose had sent him? You take back being sad about yelling at her. You had to speak to her instantly.

You go out of your bedroom, only wearing some pajama pants and a tank top. You hear some loud scrambling and things landing on the floor tiles. You squint your eyes and stand in front on the door for some seconds. You collect your thoughts before knocking on the door. 

“Is there a problem out there?” you speak.

“DON'T COME OUT HERE BRO!” Gamzee yells from the other side.

“And why the fucking hell can't I do that?” you say angrily.

“BRO, I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE FACE PAINT!” He yells back.

“Listen Gamzee.” You say quietly. “You aren't in that circus anymore. You don't need to wear face paint anymore.” And it's fucking scary. You think.

“You don't motherfucking understand it bro.” Gamzee said in a voice so low that you almost couldn't hear him. It startled you a little. You are tired, you are angry and you just can't take anymore of that clowns shit right now. Ugh you just hated mentioning clowns all the time.

“Fuck this. I'm coming out there now.” You call back. He's telling you not to come out and he's speaking so fast, he ends up stumbling over his own words. You place your hand on the doorknob and open the door. Not enough to see him, but just enough to see the tiles on the walls. If you had opened the door completely, you would be looking straight at him. Before you can do so something moves. A hand with long talon like claws is holding your wrist. It's grip is strong and shows no mercy, and all blood leaves your hand. The claws prickle at your skin. Not enough to break it but it still hurts. However, the grey hand doesn't belong to the famous monster under one's bed but it was Gamzee's, and he's a clown...

...But clowns are monsters too.

You stared at the hand in silent terror. Your mouth opened and closed several times but no sound came. This silence lasted for some time until Gamzee finally broke the ice.

“This is why you can't see me brother” He spoke calmly. You could hear he was dead serious.

Surprisingly, you listened to him. You could feel a violent tremble working it's way up your spine. A panic and/or a spastic attack was starting. Your body simply couldn't handle this stress.

“This motherfucker is all righteous wearing masks and disguises man. Trying to blend with the crowd. Look like everyone else.”

His hand loosened a little. You stare at the door slowly opening it more.

“Motherfucker ain't like others. I'm not like them people. Karkat, Sollux, Eridan and Equius. All cool and normal. I'm all up and just different. A freak.

The door creaked and hit the wall with a small bump and you stared at the monstrosity before you. No, it was the being known as Gamzee Makara and shit does he look hideous. Without the monochrome paint on his face and his gloves missing, he looked much more real and surreal at the same time. His slit pupils are nothing more than a thin lines because of all the light in the room. He looked very much like a scared animal, with his upper lip slightly pulling over his fangs in a silent growl. A threat. A warning to not come any closer.

Or I might rip your throat out.

While Tavros was slowly drifting closer to a mental breakdown, Gamzee was just standing there. What the fuck should he do while this guy's having an attack? Would a pap maybe soothe a brother down? Probably not now.  
Tav suddenly raises his hand to his mouth, still staring at you with wide eyes.

“I gotta call Rose”

Oh no he's fucking not going to. Tavros runs for the phone resting by the kitchen counter. He holds it in his hand but before he can even push a button, you are over him. You knock him to the floor and he probably hit his head, because he groans when you both lay on the floor. You are on top of him. Actually you are straddling his hips and having a firm grip of his lower arms. He still has the phone in his hand but he looks like he doesn't have any intention of using it right now. He was looking up at you with those big amber eyes, like a deer in the headlights. He glanced at the phone for a second but he quickly removed his gaze, hoping that you had not noticed. You had.

You lower your head so your noses are only inches apart. You bare your sharp teeth and growl lowly at him.

“Don't you motherfucking think about doing that” you snarl.

The guy is stunned. He is just staring at you with big eyes. A smell reaches your sensitive nose. You inhale sharply and your horns begin to tingle. This feeling always comes at the shittiest of times. Especially when they were scared. You could feel other people's feelings. It was like you absorbed them. Ate them. And the feeling Tavros was sending out in waves right now was so delicious. You wanted more. All you needed was for you to scare the little guy more. You move your head closer to the body under you. You stare him in the eyes. Yes, now you can feel it. The guy freezes completely. He must have seen how your eyes have been changing into different nuances of purple. His eyes were changing now too. Now both your eyes were matching now. He struggled inside his body but you made sure that he couldn't move a single bit. Using the mystical power you were born with, you peeped inside his mind. Looking through all the pain and the sorrows in his little pathetic life. Especially the one that crippled. He became traumatized after that incident. He became afraid of the people you loved the most. He became afraid of what you were. He was afraid of you.  
A single tear rolls down Tavros' cheek as you whisper to him in your haunting voice:

“BeTtEr TuRn ThAt FrOwN uPsIdE dOwN mOtHeRfUcKeR”

A knock on the front door interrupts your little conversation.

“Helloooooooo Tavros. Are you theeeeeeeere” A woman's voice says.

 

And the fun hadn't even begun yet.


	7. Chapter 7

 

You can't decide if you are falling or floating. Maybe you are doing both. You are in the dark but familiar darkness from your dream earlier this morning. Your clothes begin to wave a little, like there's a breeze somewhere. However, you feel nothing. You are now floating downwards. Your feet gently land on the invisible floor. You almost expect to hear the haunting cries of a little purple sausage this time, but you can only hear laughter. You follow it, but you still don't trust whatever creature there might be hiding somewhere in here. The laughter turns up in volume as you come closer. There he is. The little purple sausage from your last dream. He's not sad this time. Actually there's someone else with him. It's another sausage with legs. It's insect skin is a light brown color and also has a little tuft of black hair on it's head. Two candy corn horns stand proudly on the sides of it's head. They look like bull horns. Wow are those two cute or what. They are having some sort of conversation. It's sounds more like a lot of chirps, clicks and hisses than a normal conversation. They are clearly having a good time. They are finally noticing your presence. The purple one hastily crawls over to you, giving you a happy welcome chirp. His claws clack against the floor and the sound echoes gently around. You sit down so he can crawl into your lap. You look over at the brown one. He's frozen to the place and he just _stares_. His little brown orbs are focused on you and you alone. The purple bug-larvae thing chirps at his little friend, but when he doesn't react, he gives a loud honk. It startles the brown larvae and he begins to back away. The purple one huffs.

 

“Rrrriiirrr rpprr riipppp pprruu ii iprui cssc-ome on come on!” He says.

 

You're stunned. Did you just understand what it said? You continue to listen. The brown larvae yells at the purple one:

 

“Get away from him Gamz! He's not one of us! He's dangerous!”

 

Before he can say more, a white creature flies down from the darkness and grabs the brown thing and flies away with it. The white creature fairy? Says something but it doesn't say it to the larvae. He's talking to you. His voice is inside your head. It's surprisingly soothing and calm.

 

“Son, I've always said to you to keep away from those pesky highbloods. They are too capricious to be near.”

 

The voice is familiar. You are 100% sure that you have heard it somewhere before. It's something from your childhood memories. No, before that. A period in your life that no normal human were expected to remember. From when you were...

 

 

You wake up with a thumping pain in your head. Everything is a blur. The only thing you can hear are muffled, quieted voices. One of them becomes more clear as they approach:

 

“Hey girls! He's awake!” A very familiar voice exclaims.

 

Oh yeah. She's that traitorous friend of yours. Great.

 

You blink a few times and you see a sneering face right before you. Vriska's grin grows bigger for every time you see her, you think.

 

“Where am I?” you groggily ask her.

 

“In your apartment you pathetic idiot!” She almost yells at you. Vriska had a tendency to call you degrading names at times. It really annoyed you. She reach out her hand for you to take. You do so and she pulls you up with her incredible girl-strength. You place a hand on the side of your head. You had stood up too fast and now you were dizzy as fuck. You almost fall again, but two pair of hands grab you from both sides. One is Vriska, but who is the other one? You look at her. Dark, short hair, feminine face and body and a pair of beautiful emerald eyes. You had never seen her before. Her emerald and flush lips part as she speaks to you:

 

“I believe that I haven't introduced me yet. I am Kanaya Maryam and I am a fellow patient of Rose Lalonde.”

 

A fellow patient?

 

“Aaaaaaaand she's MY girlfriend, so no flirting with her Nitram!” Vriska says proudly while clenching the fist around your arm.

 

“I wouldn't say that we were girlfriends yet, but Vriska and I are in fact dating.” Kanaya says to you in a tone that frighteningly resembled Rose's.

 

You groan. The headache was getting worse. The girls move you over to the couch and make you sit down. Kanaya hands you an aspirin and a glass of water. You down both things and lean back, trying to remember what happened. Your memory seems to be too fogged at the moment, like your head is filled to the brim with cotton.

 

“What happened exactly?” You look at the ladies before you.

 

“We kinda just barged in, the lock was easy to pick anyways.” Vriska says. “We heard some mysterious growling from the other side of the door.” Kanaya adds. “We thought you were keeping pets.”

 

“And then that freak was laying on top of you. I was totally sure you two were going to fuc-OW!” Kanaya nudged Vriska with her arm, clearly not wanting that language in her presence.

 

“You were really out of yourself. Did he drug you?” Kanaya worriedly ask.

 

You really can't remember. Your memory has never been this bad. You feel a little ill actually. What had really happened?

 

“I case you wanna know, Rose and the weirdo are in the bathroom. He was really out of it afterwards.”

 

You had to see him. You had to see him and get an explanation. You stand up, your headache not bothering you that much anymore. You stomp all the way to the bathroom door. Vriska and Kanaya just watch you, apparently too observant to say anything. You open the door a little too harsh and you meet the back of your therapist. She turns to you and gives you a little smile:

 

“Oh Tavros, you are awake-”

 

“I have to talk to him.” You interrupt her quickly.

 

You look past her. He is sitting in your fucking bathtub. There's no water in it though. You walk over to it. He is sitting in a foetal position and talking nonsense to himself. From time to time he moves in little ticks. You place your hands on the edge of the tub and speak low:

 

“Gamzee...What's wrong?” You say. You suddenly realize the stupidness of your question. Everything could be wrong. He just kinda attacked you right?

 

He turns his head and looks you in the eyes. The whole eye is changing between deep purple and light purple. There is no sclera, iris or pupil. Just purple. It's quite a hypnotizing look.

 

“I hurt tav.” He mumbles. It looks like he doesn't even know that you are here with him.

 

The room suddenly turns white and hazy like someone has just taken a bath. Rose is not here anymore. Nothing is here. It's only him and you. He's still sitting in tub. There's something in it now. You focus your eyes and try to look through the fog. Yes, you can see it now. It's...it's. Holy shit is that blood?!

 

The deep crimson liquid is in perfect contrast with Gamzee's skin. The red moves gently like satin against Gamzee's slender arm's and legs and again at his hips. You can feel your cheeks turning warm, despite the gore of the scene before you. Your shirt is sticking to your skin. Gamzee smiles and flash those sharp teeth. He moves his hand from beside yours to your shoulder. He pulls himself up to your level. He plants his mouth by your collarbone. His tongue, that purple tentacle, slips out and slides slowly along the bone, up your throat and to your ear. His breath touch the sensitive skin of your ear before he talks:

 

“I lUsT fOr YoUr FeElInGs BrOtHeR. ScArEd Or FiLled WiTh NeEd, DoEsN't MaTtEr. YoUrS aRe ThE bEsT i'Ve EvEr TaStEd. SoOoOoO dElIcIoUs moThErFuCkEr.”

 

He gives your ear a little lick before he nips on it. He begins to gnaw and suck on it. You begin panting. Oh god not again. This is wrong. You shouldn't feel like this when he does that. But hell does it feel good. You never had a person to do this to you. You had actually never had a real sexual experience before. You don't think that pleasuring yourself counts. Not that you do that often either. No matter how much you want to stop this, you can't do it. Your body knows what it want's. Your breath is uneven, forehead damp, cheeks red and that little shit you call your dick is beginning to move down there. You can't take this.

 

“S-shit Gamzee. Oh god. I can't-”

 

“Tavros, you okay?”

 

You are literally ripped out of your erotic fantasy. _A fucking fantasy_. Rose sounds worried. You beg to all the gods in existence that she didn't hear what you just said. Gamzee quits the stare and moves his head down again.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Your name is Tavros Nitram and you are currently sitting on your bed. It's already dark outside. The girls have left. Despite Rose's expertise with other people, she still couldn't bring Gamzee back to his senses. He probably still in the tub and saying god knows what to himself. You just can't sit here. You stand up, goes into you fused kitchen-living room area to gather some stuff and walk over to the bathroom door. You knock three times before entering. He is still sitting there. He must be cold. That's why you brought a blanket. It's quite a fluffy one you must admit. Perfect for cold winter nights, or nights where you've been having horrible nightmares about your accident. You walk over to him and wraps the blanket around his shoulders. You give him a few claps on his arms before you place your hand firmly on his shoulder.

 

“Gamzee? U-um. Are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink? I brought a glass of milk.” You ask him.

 

He doesn't answer. He doesn't even acknowledge your presence. Lucky that you got a spoon with you. You take the glass of milk, climb into the tub and sit in front of Gamzee. You bring your hand to his chin and lift his head up. His eyes are unfocused and still.

 

“ _He looks like a puppet.”_ You think.

 

The spoon, now filled with milk, is placed on Gamzee's bottom lip. Gamzee give a loud, startled sniff, his tongue slits out and reach for the warm substance. When he has tasted it he finally let's the spoon enter his mouth. He get's a good taste of it before swallowing it slowly. He looks so surreal, and so unnatural like this. With his grey skin and horns and everything. A skin and lips is tinted a faint purple. Is that how his kind blush?

Now you are suddenly thinking of him as a different being. Is he a monster, an alien or a mutated human kid? You really don't know. You aren't an expert in biology (or in alienology? Monsterology?)

He can't be a mutated kid. His whole body is different from yours. You don't think that a little mutated gene can have such a big effect. The monster part isn't really believable either. He COULD be an alien. No other being like him has been mentioned in the news or newspapers. A new race of animal can't exist with only one individual in existence. Unless his race can reproduce alone. No, you know what? Forget everything mentioned above. This guy can only be a fucking alien. But how did he get here? Ugh it's too late for this shit. You help drink the rest of the milk and you climb out the tub when you two are done. You look back at him. You wish that you could do something, anything to turn him back to the real Gamzee. Later you are in your bed again, your eyelids drooping from time to time. Before you really fall asleep a final thought enters your head:

 

_If there just was something, SOMETHING you could do to help him. No, both of you, so you didn't have to fear anything anymore and him just as._

 

_But when did you begin to care about clowns?_

 

 

You can hear something moving in the bathroom. You finally fall asleep and you are brought into a world filled with laughter and good memories of an old friend.


End file.
